.:anger…rising…:.
sometimes, i think i must be a little odd. ok, i am a little odd…i admit it. i have a tendency to ask ‘why?’ a lot, and i was reminded of this today when i went to lunch with a friend. i said i enjoyed working with one of our co-workers, and my friend replied that he thought we made a good pair just because i like to ask why and the guy that i’m paired with always seems to have an answer. when i have to ask why for something, i will generally go and find things out on my own. if i can’t find a reason, then i will sit and ponder on it until i reconcile and answer with myself, and then i move along with the ‘ol life.
one of the things that i find myself fascinated with as of late is my relatively negative attitude, which is leading to a lot of general anger. don’t get me wrong; i have never been mr. sunshine guy, but i seem to remember a point when i felt like a much nicer person, more tolerant and easy going. i seem to remember not having to ‘think’ about being nice, not having to tell myself that i need to hold some of my harsher thoughts in check. i used to just be…’nicer’…and now i’m not…
and i believe the reason why is because i’m getting some pretty good ‘roid rage going.
no, i’m not sitting here jamming shots of anabolics into my groin and then benchpressing 400 lbs. every day and night. come on…i have a hard enough time convincing myself to exercise. no…it’s the 50mg of prednisone that i’m on, and this is the first time that i think i’ve really felt that it’s messing with my head more than just a little bit.
i’m sure you’re aware, but just in case you’re not, my UC has been pretty bad as of late. i wrote about it several weeks back. i went and saw the doc last week, and he upped my dosage from 40mg (which wasn’t helping me much) to 50 (and it’s still not having the effect that it once had). when i first got UC, the most i took was 30mg, and that was like an emotional bulldozer going through my system at first. then i got really sick a couple years back, and had to take a nuclear 40mg dose for a while and then taper down. now i’ve hit that magical 50mg mark, and that is apparently really not good. missing a dose of this stuff for a day means i’m in some trouble. basically, makes your adrenal glands stop producing adrenaline. if you stop taking it abruptly after having taken it in large doses over long periods of time, your adrenal glands aren’t producing enough adrenaline, resulting in some pretty bad stuff…like shock and that whole death thing if you’re not careful. i don’t like that. this does not make me happy.
so i have to keep taking this stuff and gradually taper it off so the glands can start functioning correctly again. until then, i get to suffer some of the side effects, one of which is this whole emotional blender i’m feeling, and the blender is spewing out a lot of anger-rich smoothies right now, friends…
today, a document that i had been working on got corrupted. i couldn’t open it, and it turns out that it was a total loss. i suddenly felt as if an ‘effing volcano had gone off in my skull and was spewing forth liquid hot magma (dr. evil voice) through my veins. i seriously had to sit and think about birds and puppies and babbling brooks for about 5 minutes before i felt like i could safely function without hurling my laptop through the window…or breaking me expensive aeron chair into small bits…or smashing my mouse with a stapler. and after everything started to cool down, i found myself pretty fascinated with the whole process of getting angry. it was kind of like bill nye the science guy took over in my head and was like, ‘now, andrew, buddy…wasn’t that interesting, that whole feeling? blah blah blah…”
…and then i knocked his ass out in my head.
ok. not really. but i did sit there for another 2 minutes just thinking about why i was so angry and what i could do to stop that from happening again. i think the number one thing would be to win the lottery and not have to work again. but since that is most likely not going to happen, i guess the second best thing would be to…uh…never use another microsoft product? no. that’s probably not going to happen either. so i guess i’ll have to think about it some more and work out a solution for myself.
i don’t like being angry. i don’t like being around people like that because it makes me feel uncomfortable, and i don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable. i don’t want people crowded around the water cooler taking bets on when i’m going to roll into some place with an AK-47 or anything like that (note: this won’t happen…really…this is all, for the most part, in humor…). i really need to find a way off this stuff…
two words for you:
HEAVY BAG
Blah. Told you that stuff was awful.