.:stupid public services:.
i, of course, say that with all of the sarcasm i can summon. public services are something we generally tend to take for granted. for example…npr. what kind of giant freakin’ jerk am i to be ever-so-slightly annoyed by the fund drive they are holding right now?
here’s how things go down for me. i get up and drive to work just like every other person with a job. it’s during this time i tend to catch up on what’s going on in the world and locally through npr. it serves a couple of purposes:
- it makes me feel like i’m doing my part to remain a little bit educated
- it gives me something to talk about with people, giving me the appearance of a somewhat intellectual person
-
it calms the tiny raging demon in my head screaming at me to ram my car into every crap-ass driver that does something stupid during what should be a pleasant 12 minute commute, but normally turns into a half-hour road battle royale
i like to pretend that steve inskeep is chatting it up with good ol’ me, keeping my sanity in check and reminding me that i’m lucky to be where i am. you know…he’s talking about places like darfur and iraq and 500 billion gallons of water evaporating off of lake superior and global warming and how world leaders would like to lynch george bush. and renee montagne…she reassures me that, yes, andrew, yes…it’s fine to be stuck in traffic for a little while because it’s our time to catch up, the three of us. i can just feel myself becoming a better and better person every second that i’m able to listen…
and then the fund drive comes on like a hefty reality bitch-slap.
instead of my regularly scheduled steve and renee, i now have to be interrupted by the happiest woman in the entire world (i don’t know her name here, but MAN does she EVER sound psyched to be doing a fund drive) and the station manager hawk mendenhal (or something like that. hawk, for god’s sake…sheesh…). while she’s begging in this super happy ray-of-sunshine-in-the-arse way, he’s talking about how npr is really about a life long learning experience and a real swell part of the community and that if you pledge right now for 80 smackers, you’ll get a t-shirt as a thank you gift that says, ‘i heard it on NPR’ and how it’s ‘one of those stylish “ringer” t’s’ and how when you wear it around town you’ll just feel like the biggest pimp ever.
or something to that effect.
what ends up happening is that i have to turn down the volume during these interludes of begging which causes me to grow angry at having to drive in the road battle royale commute; which causes me to fume and start plotting the demise of the guy in the car in front of me; which causes me to forget that i want to listen to morning edition; which then causes me to fumble for the volume knob to check and see if steve and renee are back.
and then, about 96.8% of the time, one of two things happens:
- i turn up the volume only to hear the fund drive continuing. i’ve turned the volume up too early. i get more angry.
- i turn up the volume only to hear that i’ve now missed part of the story on morning edition. i’ve turned the volume up too late. i get more angry…mainly because it’s less time i have until the next happy fund drive diatribe comes on.
i rarely time it just right so that i can sink back into morning drive nirvana. but i guess that’s how the sweet lord chooses to punish me for being the evil and wicked soul i am…
you’d think that i’d be a nice guy and do my part by contributing some cash. i admit…i’ve listened to npr for quite some time. i’ve gotten a lot out of it. the least i could do is make sure that it stays around by giving them what i’d spend on, say, a nice dinner…or a video game…or a night of cirrhosis-inducing drinking. you’d think that it’d actually be better for me to just fork over the cash because that’s a few minutes less i have to listen to fund drive babble. and who the heck couldn’t use another stylish ringer t-shirt.
again…i jest here for sake of entertainment. i’m glad npr is around and i’m glad that the majority of listeners are not like me. i’m glad that, here, the fund drives really don’t last that long. this morning, they needed 800K, and now they need something like 600K. 200K in one day isn’t so bad. if it keeps up like this, it’ll be over by next week, and then we can get back to regularly scheduled steve and renee.
am i going to contribute, you ask? i’m thinking about it. guess i’ll have to let you know…
