.:bears + car = disaster:.
you know, i’m going to be that old-timey grandpa someday that has a stupid story for just about everything. thank god i’m writing all of this crap down…
this talk of cabins and getting away and such reminds me of the first time that we went to tennessee…to the same place that was mentioned in my last post as a matter of fact.
christy’s mom is a travel agent, so when she finds a cool place, she generally passes it along to us. that’s how we got familiar with this little place in tennessee called townshend.
as i said in the previous post, townshend is this sleepy little town out in the middle of the smokey mountains. it houses a really large, cool state park called ‘cade’s cove’, but that’s about it. it has a some modern conveniences, such as a tiny grocery store, a gas station, a few restaurants and maybe a gift shop or two, but that’s it. you could blink and miss it if you were driving through, and the only reason you’d be driving through would be to go to cade’s cove or if you’re passing on to pigeon forge…which i don’t recommend.
christy and i went there twice…once for my birthday and once for christy’s birthday…and both times were amazing. but the first time, man, the first time was memorable because of our friend the bear.
you see, one of the main things you read about townshend is that it’s home to a rather large black bear population. i’m sure that this is the general case for the smokeys, but you just don’t think of things like that until it stares you right in the face.
and friends, that is not a figure of speech.
one morning after a nice long restful sleep, we decided that we’d get up and take a little drive through cade’s cove. i showered, shat and shaved like a good guy does and i went about my normal morning business. i decided that i’d go out to the car and make sure that it was set up to accomodate macy (our dog) in the back. so i walk out the door and go around the corner and there, standing next to the driver side door, is this bear cub.
now, let’s stop time for a moment or two here because when you’re telling a story, you can do things like that.
when i say bear cub, thoughts of this cute little fluffy bundle of furry big-brown eyed animal comes to mind. and he smiles and eats honey and does cute little bear cub tricks, like balances red balls on his nose, dances around in a pink tutu and lets out non-intimadating little bear cub yelp/roars. right? hell no…
bear cubs are ‘effing large. this one probably came up to my chest and was about as wide as that sweet double wide trailer i’ve always dreamed of owning. seriously. wide.
and so he looks at me. and i look at him. and after a brief realization of my own mortality, i turn my ass right back around and straight into the house. because…as you all know…where there’s a bear cub, there is a bear mom. and i’ve heard some rumors that bear moms don’t really like it when their kids show signs of being intimidated.
i quickly gasped out what had happened to christy. we both went over to the window to see if he was still there, and sure enough, he was. he was beginning to migrate towards the porch though. our guess was that he was looking for a some scraps or something.
after a minute or two, he decided to take off up the hill, and while we weren’t really all that scared, we were pretty relieved about it too. so after a little bit we left and didn’t see any sign of him or the imagined PO’d mama bear.
but the really interesting part comes the next morning. this time, we were both just waking up, and christy was going to take macy for a walk. i’m downstairs grabbing a little coffee when she comes back through the door and says something like, ‘uhh…honey…you need to come check out your car…’ she had a very alarmed look on her face. she had a very alarmed tone to her voice. she had a very alarmed stance about her. and these three things alarmed me out of my morning stupor into a dead charge out the door and around the corner to see my car was…
…just fine……….on the outside.
the inside was a whole different story.
upon going around to the driver’s side and looking in through the window i see that somebody has been hanging out in my car, and it most certainly was not me, christy, macy or goldilocks. the (large) paw marks tracked through the dirt on the door leading up to the window gave me a good idea that our little friendly bear cub had come back a second time.
but the problem here was that i decided the night before that i’d just leave my window down. and that probably wouldn’t have been that big of a deal if i had remembered that i had stuffed the remainder of a small bag of beef jerky between the seats. boy did that EVER incite bear cub to grow a set. that little bastard climbed into my car and decided that he needed to have the bag of ‘jerk.
if he would’ve just asked, i would’ve ‘effing given it to him. but NOOO, no…bear cub decided that he needed to route through my car for it…really work for it. he put a good sized slice on the back of the driver’s seat. he decided that the shoulder portion of the passenger seat might be a tasty appetizer, so he took a chunk out of that. thinking that if seat foam tasted pretty decent from the shoulder, it surely must taste good from the actual seat part, so he took another bite there. it was there i believe he gave up the seat foam sampling and discovered the location of the jerky. he dug it out from between the seat and the center console, ate what was there, left the empty bag for me in the driver’s seat, and then climbed back out…making a swift getaway.
holy suckOLA, batman! seats are not cheap to replace! believe me when i tell you that insurance does not cover it. if, say, a deer would’ve been the culprit, they would’ve covered that because there are provisions for deer damage…but not for black bears.
at first i was angry. and after about five minutes it all of a sudden hit me that a very large animal had just been in the very car that i was about to drive away in. that was pretty cool.
don’t get me wrong…it didn’t really make me any happier; it just shed a little new perspective from a crappy situation in which i’d have to shell out some cash to fix.
but it makes for a good story, eh?
