It’s time for a post filled with vitrol and gasoline fire scorching hatred…brought to you by me.

I happen to be fortunate enough to live in a very nice “apartment community”. Whatever the hell that means, I’ll never know because I certainly don’t feel any kind of urge to belong to “the community”. Especially when you have downstairs neighbors like we have.

Lightly put, these people are some of the most foul, putrid, rotten dirty and disgusting people I think I’ve ever encountered. I think their foulness is emphasized by the fact that this is indeed a nicer place. They seem badly out of place.

Now…I’m not trying to sound elitist or anything; I’ll befriend anybody just as long as they are cool, nice and considerate. And these people seem nice enough…but they are absolutely NOT not cool…and they are NOT considerate. At all. And…worst of all…they are simply…dirty. Like…the kind of dirty where if you were to potentially set foot in their house, you’d want to hold your breath because you’d be expecting a foul odor, or perhaps a cloud of acidic funk that would envelop your head and eat your skull.

But really, it’s the inconsiderate stuff they do/allow that makes this vision of them in my head seem more of a reality than it probably is. Here are a few examples of the things they do:

• They have two hellish children that…no kidding…scream at the top of their lungs approximately 96.4% of the time they are awake. We’re talking all.hours.of.the.effing.day. too. Morning (when I’m up around 6-ish AM, one of them is screaming), afternoon (Christy works from home, and I generally get an e-mail or two from her where I have to talk her down from tossing a grenade through the vents into their humble abode), and evening (well into around 11 or so on the weekends). Screaming children are understandable; it’s a part of life. However, parents that do nothing about it…ever…now that’s a different story. It has to get particularly bad in order for one of the parents to actually do something to stop them.
• They trounce around slamming doors, knocking shit around, and yelling at each other. Dad also seems to enjoy bad music and video games…which is fine…except for the fact that they have it all running through a sub-woofer’d stereo system. You can only hear “Brick House” and “Wind of Change” and tracks from “Guitar Hero III” so many times before you want to gouge your eardrums out with a spork. Football season was quite exciting in that household. You’d think that the sweet baby Jesus was being born everytime the Cowboys would score a touchdown. Likewise, it was almost as if Al-Quaeda had dared show masked faces in the McDirtyson household when the opposing team wold score. Dad wold get quite irate.
• They have a little stupid dog (a pug) named Beevo that barks at just about everything. I admit that I’m a little racist against the pug breed; I find most of them pretty gross (except my friend James’…they are actually kind of cool). So…needless to say…them owning a pug does not exactly enhance the image of these people I have formed in my head.
• Here’s the real kicker. Not only do they have a nasty, foul, fat little snorting barky dog…but they actually allow it to poop and pee on their porch. The two of them are too lazy to just take the damn thing out for a little walk, so they just let it out onto the porch to befoul it. What. The. F. Mate. And then, every couple of days or so, she sweeps the turds off of the porch and into the little quaint ‘bush’ area in front of it. When it gets warm and humid here….*wretch*…you can only imagine how wonderful it smells.
• She smokes. Note that I have absolutely nothing against smokers…but it doesn’t help when you have all of the above stacked against you. And she sometimes throws the butts onto the sidewalk out in front of their place.
• They don’t care for their stuff. For example, Mrs. McDirtyson drives a really beat Ford Taurus around. I’ve intentionally avoided parking next to her to avoid the potential door ding or a small disgusting hellspawn child running up against my car.

I tell you all of those things because I want you to understand where I’m coming from when I make the next statement (which is going to sound pretty mean). I don’t judge people on appearance…but having experienced all of the above, physical faults tend to be…enhanced. The imperfections I’m speaking of would happen to be those of the maxillary/mandibulary (I think I just made up a word) type. These people have THE WORST TEETH I think I’ve seen in a while. It makes me shudder to think of how bad they really are. We’re talking teeth of the decaying sort…brown, dirty, and looking as if perhaps bolweevils have decided to take sanctuary there. We’re talking hot looking receeding red gums that have small lumps of white nastiness on them. We’re talking about, when these people talk, they have little pockets of coagulated spit forming in the corners of their mouths because their grilles are so damn jacked. Oh god…I’m actually starting to feel a tiny bit vomitous just thinking about having to talk to them…

So…in summary…we dislike these people very, very much. They are inspiration for us to really start looking at buying a house. I don’t want to have to live with people like this anymore.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 9th, 2008 at 9:35 am and is filed under General, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.