.:i need some:.

here i am at 136 lbs.

yeah…not a typo. 136.

i’m 6 lbs. away from weighing about as much as i did in highschool.

i didn’t really realize how insanely gaunt i looked until i accidently hit the ol’ photobooth application on the launcher. the face staring back at me was not one that i really recognize well. it literally took me about 1/2 a second to process just who the hell that dude was/is.

here’s how it went down…

1. i was 171.
2. i decided to needed to get down to 150-160-ish because that’s my normal weight. and my pants were feeling a little tight. that’s no fun.
3. i did atkins and got there within about 2 months.
4. i was happy.
5. because my stomach was feeling pretty decent, i decided that i’d stay on atkins because i thought it might be having a positive effect.
6. i went down to 147.
7. i started eating a little more.
8. i got sick.
9. in two weeks i got down to 137.
10. i got my new medicine.
11. i started eating anything and everything that i possibly could/can (at the very moment i am typing this, i’m stuffing my face full of fritos and frito cheddar dip. it has been so long…)
12. can’t quite keep everything in, but i’m definitely eating much better than i was.
13. i went in to get my second dose of medication today.
14. i weighed in at 136. fully clothed.

i honestly feel like if someone were to blow some air at me the wrong way i’d probably have my ass handed to me.

it’s weird to want to gain weight. it’s weird to feel almost desperate to gain weight. if i were gaining weight, that’d mean i was less sick inside, that my innards were doing some healing. as it were, it’s a slow process.

the only consolation i have at this point is that there was a woman in the ‘infusion’ office today getting dosed as well, and she was in her 40s. she had just come down with UC 6 months ago. i can’t imagine that…being that far into your life and then to all of a sudden have a massive change like that come on. and i thought i had it bad…

so i’m hoping that this second dose of medication will help me along in feeling a little more normal so that i can possibly eat like a regular person rather than eat and then 10 minutes later have to get rid of it. good times.

bring on the lbs!

.:i hope buddhism is right:.

so the latest news is that i’ve gotten badly sick again. badly sick as in stomach ills. don’t think that the irony of the situation has eluded me, what with my giant post about treating colitis and such. i honestly thought i had it all figured out. you can imagine the massive smack-down to the pride i am feeling right now in addition to the fact that my stomach feels like it’s going to explode. hopefully next week i will end up on some different medication and i’ll be back on the road to remission again. that’d be nice, because it’s really hard to live with this thing when it’s in full flare…

but what does this have to do with buddhism?

a long time ago, a friend of mine told me about a short story written by neil gaimon. i don’t remember what the name of it was, but i do remember that it had to do with scientists coming up with a way to ‘reboot’ your body through a pill. you’d basically take this pill and everything that was ailing you basically got knocked out. you would be able to start all over again. the side effect was that you’d turn into a member of the opposite sex each time you did it. and you could take the pill again to turn you back into what you were previously, but you lost more and more of your distinctly male and distinctly female characteristics as you went back and forth, resulting in turning into some kind of odd androgynous being. and…of course…the pill was addictive.

that said, sometimes i wish a pill like that was available. wouldn’t it be awesome if you could just pop a pill and all of a sudden have all of your sicknesses go away? cancer…HIV…all of those terrible diseases…gone. i mean, i could do without the turning into a member of the opposite sex and all, as i do quite enjoy being a dude, but i would really love to get rid of this thing i have.

and what does THIS have to do with buddhism?

the idea of reincarnation. the idea of starting over. the idea of going back to the beginning and reliving a life. my overly imaginitive, somewhat macabre mind starts thinking things like, ‘wouldn’t it be great if you could just hurl yourself off of a building, die, and then all of a sudden you’re back to square one…childhood…teens…college.’ is that how it works?

and then thinking things like that results in a flood of other questions…

• would you start in a new body…a new ‘vessel’…or would you simply restart your own life?
• would you be conscious of the things you learned in your ‘previous life’?
• is the reason why you can’t remember any of your ‘previous lives’ because this is actually your first life?
• because i’m human now, does that mean that i’ll always come back as a human?
• if i come back as a human, and i come back as a different ‘vessel’, will i be born in another country? into another social class?
• what are the rules that determine where you’re placed? is everything i do here a factor in what i become after i die and come back?

the more i think about my life, the more i observe and think about how things work here, the more inclined i am to believe that there isn’t any kind of ‘afterlife’ for us. it makes much more sense to think that we’ll just come back. it makes sense to me based on the scientific principle that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.

when you take a step back and look at yourself, you come to realize that ‘you’ isn’t really necessarily your body; rather, it’s all of your experience and knowledge and feelings and memories all bundled into one neat little set of chemicals and electrical impulses that reside in your brain. and all of that is energy, right? so if energy can’t be created or destroyed, then what happens to all of those when we die? i’m sure some of it gets soaked up into other forms of energy, such as heat, electricity, etc. but there are still those pieces of energy that contain ‘you’ imprinted within them. therefore, it makes sense that at some point or another that this energy is perhaps imprinted into another being, and lo and behold, you’re reborn again.

furthering this, remember that it takes energy for an egg and a sperm cell to unite. where does that energy come from if energy can’t be created? it has to already exist…

sometimes i take comfort in these thoughts when i start thinking that my body is trying to destroy itself. other times i think i’m a little bit crazy. i think it’s my brain’s desperate attempt at reassuring me that someday, i won’t have to worry about this pain.

oh well…

so i hope that next week when i start this new stuff it’ll help me out so that i can go out and enjoy this life as much as possible. despite the fact that i wish i could reboot, restart with another body, that would mean sacrificing what i already have, and i really kinda’ like that…

.:inspiration: it has stricken:.

i haven’t been feeling much like writing over the past little while. i’ve now known myself for a number of years, and the one thing i know is that i get really psyched about something initially…and then, like when you come down off of a massive coffee buzz…i all of a sudden am not psyched anymore. it’s not that i’m not excited about upkeeping this thing. on the contrary, i enjoy it. i just haven’t felt a whole heck of a lot of inspiration until today.

today, i’m going to talk about stuff. and things.

it’s days like today and last weekend that i find myself thinking back to the movie fight club. i know i made a post about that some time ago, and about how you don’t own your things…your things own you..etc etc. and i made a really conscious effort to get rid of a bunch of stuff. but g-dammit if the world doesn’t make it really ‘effing hard NOT to want stuff…

take for instance…

1. a leather recliner: this is a sign of me getting old. i think it’s something that every male should have…a nice, comfortable, nap-inducing recliner. over the past several months, i’ve been obsessed with having one. i think it must be kind of like that instinct to have kids that women get. i’ve been dragging my lovely wife all over the furniture scape to find the perfect recliner, kind of like how arthur and his knights quested to find the grail. the only problem has been that they’re so expensive. but last weekend, oh yes…last weekend, friends…i found the recliner to top all recliners.  and not only does it recline…it’s also a glider. yessssssssss…….

2. the ipod classic: it was my birthday on tuesday, september 4th, and i really wanted the new ipod that just came out to replace my battery-depleted 4-year-old dinosaur 10 gig model. it served me well, god rest its digital soul. but 10 gigs just isn’t enough. and a 2 hour battery life just isn’t enough either. so i took some of my birthday cash and bought an 80 gig ipod classic. couldn’t be happier. ahhh, and smell of new gadgets…so glorious…

3. the last two harry potter books: i bought ‘em and read ‘em in about 2 weeks. i never felt the same obsessive urge to go out and read these damn books until i saw the last movie. i wasn’t impressed with the first 2 movies, but the third one i liked. the fourth one i liked even more. and this one i really, really liked.  and then i decided that it was time to start reading. they are as good as everyone talks about.  now i understand. shame on me for being all snobby about reading them because i thought they’d be too far beneath my refined fantasy palette.

4. bioshock: this game is now in my top 5 games of all time. holy crapola, batman…it’s amazing. the graphics are awesome. the story is awesome. the pacing is awesome. the idea is awesome. i’ve been waiting for something like this to come out since bioshock’s predecessor ’system shock’. if you don’t know about bioshock, go to metacritic and read all of the raving reviews about it.

5. the office 3rd season DVD collection: a birthday present from christy, and she couldn’t have done any better. i challenge anyone to name a funnier show on TV.  every episode is the perfect recipe for belly-laughing hysteria and forehead-scrunching-avert-the-eyes discomfort.  dwight shrute is the greatest human being that has ever lived. and michael scott……..wow.

6. 3:10 to yuma: amazing cowboy flick. christian bale is, as usual, ‘effing brilliant. russel crowe is, as usual, ‘effing brilliant. and let me tell you something…i think ben foster is going to be the next ed norton. ever watch six feet under? he’s russel. to see him in this movie is like seeing someone completely unrecognizable between the two characters. that’s the sign of an amazing actor. otherwise, the story is great. it kind of reminded me a tiny bit of unforgiven. cowboy movies rock.

7. target: i think that we’ve been to target just about every weekend that we’ve lived in this city. there’s a super target right up the road from us now. i’m not sure what i’d do without this wonderous store. i didn’t used to think it was all the big of a deal, and now i realize that i have no clue what i’ve been missing over these past years.

8. crystal light on-the-go flavor packets: specifically the lemonade. it’s amazing. you just pour the magical powder into a bottle of water and you instantly have some pretty great tasting lemonade. a dude drinking crystal light, you ask? yes. and proud of it. crystal light for every dude.

9. the french press: mmmm…french press coffee.  i’ve only recently discovered its coffee-ee goodness. if you like coffee, you need to at least try some french press coffee at some point in your life. i never really understood what it was all about until christy brought one home for me from starbucks, and i have now seen the light.  now…if only my stomach would feel a little better so i could drink it more often *sigh*…

10. the apple store: ok…so i’ve already talked about one apple thing in this post. sorry that i’m looping back in on it. i just can’t help it. last weekend, we were hanging out with some friends and we were talking about customer service experiences…mainly bad. but i had just visited the apple store earlier that day to purchase a clear plastic shell for my macbook pro to keep it from getting scratched. my customer service experience was awesome. it was really, really busy…but i was able to walk in and pretty quickly ask to see if they had what i needed. about 30 seconds later, the girl that was helping me came back with the shell. from there, i didn’t have to go wait in line. she whipped out her trusty ‘register gun’, scanned the item in, scanned my credit card in, and e-mailed me a receipt all in less than 30 more seconds. i’ve never seen retail executed so perfectly.  take my money, apple store, take it all…

so there you have it…stuff and things. and my life doesn’t necessarily feel any more fulfilled. although i haven’t actually gotten the recliner yet. i might change my mind when i get that…

.a.

.:maps are hard, mr. lopez:.

i thought i might make a little comeback from my hiautus with a real flippin’ doozy of a video post. a friend of mine at work let me know about this. upon watching it, i believe i became approximately 7.96% dumber. come…share in the awesomness of miss teen south carolina.

miss teen south carolina: will you please step out of the gene pool? it isn’t good for you to be there anymore.

.:behold…the iRack:.

i want an iRack so bad…