a universal plea for public restroom cleanliness
Posted by: andrew in General, Life, Cool thing of the day.:the trainspotting restroom is a reality. stop the madness.:.
one gains an appreciation for a clean commode when one has a digestive disorder that requires frequent visits to said commode.
over the past years of having UC, i have had to set aside my pride and go by the way of having to use many a public restroom. yeah, i know; not cool. it sucks. i remember being able to say, ‘the only way that i’ll ever use a public restroom for big #2 is if i’m on my deathbed’. fortunately, it hasn’t come to my deathbed. but i will say this statement has become totally eradicated from my thinking. you’d be really surprised at just how quickly you change your mind about something like that when faced with the real possibility of actually losing control of the ol’ bowels.
i shouldn’t have to explain why statements like that are made, seeing that you have most likely used a public restroom a time or two in your life. using public restrooms brings one to the harsh realization that the general public is fairly ‘effing gross. thoughts of the toilet scene in the movie ‘trainspotting’ always come to mind when i think of using a public restroom…specifically the public restroom in either a gas station or a movie theater.
keeping in mind that john q. is gross + gas stations/movie theaters have a highly concentrated amount of john q’s in and out = a certain level of non-cleanliness in said commodes has to be tolerated. i guess i can’t complain too much, seeing that i feel like the sweet light of jesus shines down on me when i am in emergency mode and the gas station restroom stall is blessedly empty. in fact, instead of thinking about trainspotting, i start thinking about hotel resorts and blue water and sunshine and birds and small children playing and laughing and eating cherry snowcones when i know that i have a clear restroom.
i’m not even exaggerating.
nevermind that i have to do some serious toilet seat prep work in advance. i first grab a couple of paper towels (if available) and set them down on the seat. then i cover those paper towels with several layers of toilet paper. skin can absolutely not touch porcelain/plastic. nor can any moisture soak through the makeshift pad. if i feel like i have any extra time to spare, i’ll even clean the seat with a little soap and water first. it’s only then that i feel like i’m in my safe place.
sometimes i wish there was a camera recording this little ritual because it happens so fast. i’m like a restroom ninja…a toilet flash gordon, if you will. my body works of its own accord without me even having to think about it, working in perfect grace and harmony to ensure that i have the most pleasing public restroom experience possible.
while i’m sure this is a relatively entertaining visual for you, it’s not all that entertaining for me to actually do. as a matter of fact, it’s pretty vile. in a small way, i feel very sorry for the person who actually cleans the place on a semi-regular basis. why, oh WHY, do people have to be so damn disgusting? is it too much to ask that, when you urinate, you actually try to make it into the toilet rather than somewhere in or around the general vicinity? or maybe just lift the lid? or flush the toilet when you’re done? i start thinking about all of those stupid games mommy and daddy played with you when you were a little kid and in toilet training bootcamp. remember how big of a deal it was too take a whiz in the sweet plastic training toilet?! how you concentrated really hard on getting it all in there without sacrificing a drop to the seat or the floor?! is it perhaps possible to conjure of those feelings of victory and happiness as an adult for the sake of us people who actually appreciate (and need) a clean public restroom?
it is with all of these words that i come down to the brass tax of this little post. i’d like to make two small requests to all who happen to read this:
1. for those of you who keep a clean public restroom: i love you. i cherish you. may you gain 10x the karma you’d normally get for everytime you make your commode a pleasant place to be. my request to you is to keep up the fantastic work. i (and those of us with digestive disorders) salute you and appreciate your efforts immensely.
2. for those of you who use public restrooms: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help a brother out and try to keep it clean. lift the lid. pee IN the toilet. flush. smile. not only will you make those that clean restrooms lives exponentially better, but you’ll make us public restroom frequenters so much happier.
let’s hear it for public restroom awareness! keep it clean for god, country and…uh…honor. yes. honor. make everyone aware!
